Your October *ROB*o*SCOPES
September 22, 2011 11:21 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
October *ROB*o'Scopes

CAPRICORN: My 4th favorite movie in life is Monster, starring Charlize theron and Christina ricci. Have you seen this Emmy (grammy?) award winning movie yet? it's AMAZING!!! If you haven't, it's basically a lesbian love story. One has money, the other doesn't. One has a mullet, the other doesn't. Sound familiar?

AQUARIUS: The dog days of summer are FINALLY over and that means one thing, and ONE thing only -- the oppressive force of poomist (metaphoric poomist, unless you're reading this on the bowl right now) is FINALLY lifting. While many other Aquarians were out moonfacing around the Williamsburg waterfront or out sniggling notches on their 26 inch waist belts and slathering sunscreen on their cankles out in the Rockaways, you were stifling; emotionally, physically, and psychically. This autumn is going to be a transition month for you. Get out more, even if it means dining and dashing in NYC's finest restaurants, dressing up like Bugs Bunny back in his drag days, and buying a fishing rod and going fishing off your roof to lift up peoples hats and scarves as they walk by! Non-ironic whimsey is at your fingertips (literally) this Fall.

Pisces: The old saying "A dog is a man's best friend" was written by... well, a dog. If someone picked up your poop, fed you twice a day, rubbed your tummy, and paid all your bills and let you live RENT-FREE your whole life, youd call them your best friend too! I am worried that someone in your life is dogging you. I'm afriad this may actually be a co-worker or a relative. Humans find that when a dog comes up and licks your face it's a sign of affection... is it always? Have the intuition and reflexes of a cat this month to avoid the dubious intentions of others.

Aries: So we're almost 3/4's of the way done with 2011. Has it been a good year for you? I think it has. Are you still questioning what might be missing? Are you even unaware that something IS missing? It is. It's YOUR puta moment. You haven't had one this year and you desperately deserve one. (or two, or three... no one counts, trust me).

Taurus: It's the start of the fall TV season and tons of reality shows are back on the air. So many recycled storylines, and fake people (actors, models, etc...) Some people apply to be on certain shows and some people are recruited. I want you to think of your best friend and then think of your worst enemy. If you dont have an enemy proper, think of a frenemy (a friend /slash/enemy). One was recruited and one outright applied in the story that is your life. Which one is which and which one would trust more? This month you will get closer to the people who you seem not to like and distance yourself from the people you adore the most. It's called growing up.

Gemini: Someone is SERIOUSLY cramping your style. Funny since youre the Gemini (the twins). How you deal with this situation is going to have serious impact and repercussions on the holidays at the end of this year. I am envisioning a cat fight on Christmas eve in front of a hideously decorating tree. It's best to keep your mouth shut. Im sorry i'm giving you a December horoscope instead of October. Honestly, i don't see anything for you this month or next. Maybe it's all in the build-up?

Leo: Get your ass, stat, if you can, to Milan. Specifically the Porta Sempione neighborhood. Your soul-mate is there. Third week of October. You're welcome.

Virgo: I want you to do something this month. I want you to make a list of everything you've EVER stolen in life. If you're a Klepto, ignore this, and just go out jogging or something. Point is, you need exercise, whether it's mental or physical, but im betting on mental. When you have your list (make sure it's completely accurate, dont worry you dont have to let anyone read it) look for the connections between the "baddest" thing you've ever stolen and the the thing you think is completely the least baddest thing you've ever stolen. You are then to imagine a room (any room) and in that room only those two things are in the room. How do you feel?

Scorpio: The word of the month for you is Phosphorescene. Definition in case you do not know is:
1. Light emitted by a substance without combustion or perceptible heat.
2. The emission of radiation in a similar manner to fluorescence but on a longer timescale, so that emission continues after excitation ceases.
What this means is that it is essentially SERIOUSLY time to update your wardrobe.

Sagitarrius: In 2003 I wrote a novel called Pronoun. (shut up, and no you can't read it). The opening of the book starts with a quote from my favorite perforance artist, Orlan.
"This is my body, this is my software."
The last sentence of the novel is, 'I Killed the Queen of Sanitation.'
You have been in character mode for quite some time now, it's time to step out of that shell and embrace your body, i.e. your hardware. It's what everyone sees. Your software is code; DNA, intra/extrapersonal relationships, media, etc that you've been running under for quite some time now. It's time for a software update, and perhaps an entirely new operating system.

Capricorn: People around you these days are having a mad difficult time understanding you. I am as well, so I decided to pull out a random textbook from my collection of textbooks (mostly taken from stoops). I pulled Microeconmics with Calculus (LOL i actually tried reading this once only to get serious brain ache)... I want you to learn the difference between Cardinal Utility and Ordinal Utility. (that was the random page i opened up this book to...) I'm reading it right now, and really, eh. Like i started the beginning of this 'scope saying, people are having a hard time understanding you. Maybe you are trying these days to act like Calculus but in reality youre more Algebra. I bet you'll get more honey and beans (?!?) with x & y than advanced functions.

September 22, 2011 11:32 PM - ij
Sagittarius here; wow, excellent perspective.
September 22, 2011 11:34 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
thanks jester! now my brain LITERALLY hurts. now i understand what a hooker's vajayjay probably feels like on half off sundays.


September 22, 2011 11:34 PM - ij
Rob, you've lost weight.
Edited at September 22, 2011 11:34 PM
September 22, 2011 11:39 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
girl that picture is like 5 years old


Edited at September 22, 2011 11:39 PM
September 22, 2011 11:40 PM - gay smurf hoodlum


September 22, 2011 11:40 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
actually more like 7 or 8 years old. ugh. whatever, Oujia boards make people look thinner.


September 22, 2011 11:41 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
and EW i wouldnt be caught dead in a dump these days like that apartment im doing a reading in!!!


September 22, 2011 11:43 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
also the voodoo doll is fat. so it makes me look thin in that picture.


Edited at September 22, 2011 11:43 PM
September 22, 2011 11:44 PM - ij
Well glad you're not all defensive about it and shit
September 22, 2011 11:49 PM - jessibaby
Dear Rob,

<3 <3 <3
Edited at September 22, 2011 11:49 PM
September 23, 2011 4:35 AM - denton
wassup with Libra?
Edited at September 23, 2011 4:35 AM
September 23, 2011 7:25 AM - BoerumHillScott
Great horoscopes, but no Cancer?
September 23, 2011 8:00 AM - Donatella
So I am a Libra, what do I do now??
September 23, 2011 8:47 AM - Not_Logged_In
Randolph: I think he purposely left out libra because yesterday when I suggested he write this I also said I am a libra and rob is now spiting me :/
September 23, 2011 9:34 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
did i leave out signs? lol. it wasnt intentional. weird.


September 23, 2011 9:35 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
ill add them later on tonight


September 23, 2011 9:35 AM - jessibaby
I'm a virgo and I've stolen victoria's secret bras and a squishy earth ball. Alone in a room with both of those items, I feel like a 12 year old, which I was.

Randi, I dont think it was intentional.
September 23, 2011 9:52 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
it definitely wasn't intentional, tho im still confused how/why i left out signs. i might be astrologically dyslexic. or it could mean that virgos and cancers are irrelevant in the grand scheme of the Universe


Edited at September 23, 2011 9:52 AM
September 23, 2011 10:04 AM - Not_Logged_In
Randolph: There are 2 Capricorns?
Edited at September 23, 2011 10:04 AM
September 23, 2011 11:01 AM - BoerumHillScott
I'm not even sure what sign I am.
I always thought I was a cancer, but in the last year or two I have been told several times I might be something else.

My birthday is July 21, and I guess that's some sort of dividing line.

I don't get or believe in astrology, but I still think Rob's column is great.
September 23, 2011 5:41 PM - Donatella
ok, *rob* get out the Oujia board tonight and see what you can get from the planets on Libra. IF you ever get home!!!

September 23, 2011 10:26 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
I dont own that board anymore (i left it when i moved out of an apartment... youre not supposed to throw them away.) i hid it taped on the underside of the tub for the next tenant to find (tho the next tenant were people turning it into lux apts). actually not sure if it was that one cuz i had two, i think i may have thrown one out now that i think about it. anyway, i will finish the other two signs later, im bugging out with today's events.


September 23, 2011 10:56 PM - rf
Definitely a good read. Girl, you got talent!